With Tom Cruise jumping off the deep end, is there a better time to revive Top Gun in video game form? “There is no better time,” thinks Bill Swartzt, the head of Mastiff Games, as he takes his fifth daily bath in Listerine. Maybe he doesn’t do that or think that. But he very well could.

“Top Gun’s intense action translates perfectly into a videogame,” said Bill Swartz, Head Woof at Mastiff. “Top Gun exploits the capabilities of the Nintendo DS to duplicate that experience in a handheld environment.”

Uh oh. Did Bill say the Nintendo DS? This sounds like a ploy by Nintendo to me. A ploy to get people to break their tiny handheld video game systems so they’ll have to buy new ones.

Why will people break their Nintendo DS? I’m glad I’m acting like you asked. Let us take a trip back in time. A trip to the NES version of Top Gun. Which was a fun flying game, if I remember anything from watching my neighbor play.

You see, I never had video games as a child. So I had to mooch off my “friends.” “Friends” being kids of a similar age who lived close to you.

At any rate, every so often I got my hands on that wonderful NES controller, ready to shoot down planes. Which went fairly well. Until the aircraft carrier.

Nothing is more exciting than landing on an aircraft carrier! I’m so freaking happy they put that in the game! Oh, and look at that! I missed. I overshot the aircraft carrier and died.

This trend would continue every single time I played the game. Why did you do this to me, video games? After the first level, for Pete’s sake! I never once landed on that damn thing.

Mastiff’s game won’t be a remake, but that doesn’t mean their won’t be an aircraft carrier.

Mastiff! Mastiff! It’s me, Aric! If you can hear me, please keep the aircraft carriers on the drawing board! Then take them off the drawing board and throw them in a well. Will you please fill the well in with dirt and tears? That will be fantastic. Thank you very much, Bill.