The Humpty Dance

You know, hearing all about this “Hot Coffee” business at first made me a little mad. Come on. There’s an mini-game that was never fully developed in the game that you can get to only through modifying the game, and it’s not even that racy? Who cares? You really want to go through with this, Mr. Washington DC? Then why stop there? If kids can modify their GTA to see some dry humping, then you’d better restrict the Sims, because one quick trip to the internet and one quick patch download, and my Sims will be walking their virtual dog through their virtual neighborhood in virtual nudity. And why stop there? You’d better slap that AO rating on www.google.com’s image search. Yeah, that’s a load of trouble right there. And unclothed mannequins at the local Gap? Watch out, Captain Morals. Of course, the worst of the bunch is the Land O’ Lakes butter packaging. You fold that right, and you’ve got yourself some serious nipple action.

But then, I realized that perhaps I should be joining this good fight. I mean, obviously, I’ve been so corrupted by video games that I can no longer tell what’s moral and what’s not. Maybe all I needed was to listen, and I mean really listen, to what these crackpots were saying, and I would see the light. My angry reaction to their ignorance is clearly just a symptom of my being brainwashed by the gaming industry. So, I’m turning over a new leaf and will help clean the unethical world of the video game industry by calling for the banning of the filthiest game I have ever played.

Luigi’s Mansion for the Game Cube.

Now, from the looks of it, this doesn’t seem like a game that should offend the moral senses of our find nation. The aim of the game is to guide Nintendo sub-mascot and childhood idol Luigi through a haunted mansion on a mission to find his brother Mario. His tool of choice is a vacuum, which is a bit odd, but still, not too randy. The enemies are round ghosts, people-shaped ghosts, and assorted bugs. Nothing phallic. Nothing… vaginal? Sure. All of this is seemingly hunky-dory.

So where does the degradation come in?

You see, Luigi, like you and I, survives on gold coins and hearts. And, just like you and I know, these gold coins and hearts aren’t just sitting in the middle of the room in plain view. No, they’re tucked away in hiding spaces. Drawers. End tables. Cabinets. Lamps. You get the point. And how does Luigi get to the gold pieces and hearts? By HUMPING THE FURNITURE.

Yup. Luigi walks up to a piece of furniture and, at the press of a button, he puts his two hands on said furniture and starts pumping. Then POOF! Gold pieces and hearts come flying out. Something had to push that stuff out, right? RIGHT? Disgusting. You can almost hear him saying “oh yeah… oh yeah!” with that cute little cartoon Italian accent.

So… you want your immoral journey into furniture humping? You want to learn that there’s no problem that a little shakin’ and bakin’ with the writing desk won’t fix? Then run out and get Luigi’s Mansion. Quick. Before it’s only available at porn shops. Oh yeah.