Screw you, Mario! You and your Thousand Year Door!

This wonderful game with a great graphical style and unique gameplay can jump in a hand basket and take a trip directly to Hell!

Where’s my oxygen? Okay, breath. Ahhhh. That’s better. I’m a little more focused now. Let me see.

Oh yes. The first 24 hours of gameplay were great. Fun enemies and battles. Mario can turn into paper airplanes and boats and roll up in a tube. His partners all have special talents as well. This all makes for a fun puzzle solving element in the game.

The missions were never too long and never too short. The enemies never too hard. The goofiness just right.

Then Chapter 7 of the game shows up. Each “level” of the game is split into chapters, which works very nicely. The story element of the game binds the whole game together rather nicely.

As I hinted, Chapter 7 is where all the trouble starts. The level starts out trying to get a cannon functional. That’s fine. Nothing wrong with that. Oh, but I have to find the people to operate it? How bad can that be?

Really bad. I have to visit every single chapter I already beat, just to hear “Oh, yeah. They were here. But I think they left for X.”

What’s that? My princess is in another castle, you jerk? We already went over this in 1985. Why are you making me run around? The game is already at 24 hours. You don’t need to lengthen it.

I run around like the idiot I am, and finally get everyone together and continue on. The rest of the chapter is fine.

I assumed it was just a little flaw. I was certainly in the clear now.

I’m not the first person to ever be wrong about something. But I certainly won’t be the last.

Everything goes swimmingly until the final boss. One grand point about this game is the save points right before the bosses. Being relatively simple bosses, there isn’t much of a need for the save points. But it does put your mind at ease.

Final boss. I’m ready. Mushrooms in my pockets, and friends at my side, I make it through the bosses transformation into a bigger boss. Then she gets weakened by love or something. So I can continue pounding on the boss. Whoops, I died. Oh well. I’ll just go back to the save point.

Oh yeah, there was a 4 minute cut scene before we get to fight. And I have to press buttons to get through the dialogue so I can’t do my grocery shopping or wash my car. I should beat them this time though.

Oh yeah, there’s another 4 minute cut scene after the boss transforms into the bigger boss. Is it too early to start on my taxes for the year? Yeah, it’s only July. I guess I’ll wait through the cut scene.

Huh, I died again. Time to gently set down the Wavebird controller. You were priced nicely, but I wouldn’t want to break you out of anger. It looks like you’re still fetching a nice resale value, Mario. I guess I won’t smash your tiny tiny disc against the wall.

Welcome, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. Welcome to the list of games I will never finish. Are you comfy? Do you need a soda or something? You sure, you’re going to be here for a while. Okay. Shake hands with the Zelda games. You guys should get along fine. I’m going to go find a pimp to cut me, and then a seafood chef to squirt lemon juice on my wounds. That will be a little more comfortable than the pain this game has handed me.