There is a lovely little article over at The Detroit News (yes yes, it’s a very unoriginal name for a newspaper, let’s get past it) titled Just what we need: Video games link Detroit, gang crime.

The first thing that comes to mind is more “video games cause crime” gum flapping. A little Jack Thompson style video game bashing. That is not what the article is about. It’s a little more absurd than that.

We’ll take this step by step, so I don’t loose you. This quote comes early in the article. Apparently, Detroit is a terrible city.

Detroit retained its position as the most dangerous large city in the United States last week, named in an annual survey of best and worst cities based on FBI crime statistics.

Eeee, yuck. I knew Detroit was a dirty stinky hell hole. I didn’t know there was so much danger there. Anyway, nothing about video games yet. Maybe later on. Oh, here’s something.

The German arm of a Japanese company called Konami is set to release a new Xbox game featuring the Detroit rap group D12. Its title — “Crime Life: Gang Wars” — is descriptive: The company’s literature says the game explores urban gang culture and allows the player to move up the gangster career ladder by doling out justice and facing “moral” choices.

Okay, I see what that has to do with Detroit. Not that the “German arm of a Japanese company called Konami” sentence wasn’t confusing. The game features D12 from Detroit. Cultural to Detroit. Let’s read on.

The game takes place in the mythic Grand Central City, not Detroit.

Ummmmm. So the violence that you’re admitting exists in Detroit is being touted in a video game that doesn’t take place in Detroit? Even if the video game took place in a city called Detroit you couldn’t get angry, because you live in an admittedly terrible city!

What the hell kind of article is this?

When game players plunk down $19.95 for “Crime Life: Gang Wars,” they’re tuned into the excitement of urban mayhem, not the Claudel/Rodin show at the Detroit Institute of Arts.

Phhhhht, Detroit Institute of Arts? Screw that business. I’ll pack up and leave town, thank you very much.

Take your hypocritical opinion and shove it, The Detroit News. And get a better name for your newspaper. Heck, spell “news” with a “z.” Anything!