Near black holes, the gravity is strong enough to bend and slow time. The Xbox 360 is a black hole, slowing down time this entire week. Worst of all, it’s slowing down time at work.

Sitting at my desk, I keep myself at the ready to answer my vibrating cell phone. Yes, it’s on vibrate at work because I’m not an asshole. You there with the Star Trek theme turned all the way up! There are many toilets that your phone could end up in. Mute it or lose it.

Where was I? Oh yes, science. Waiting is so much harder when you’re someplace that’s not of your choosing. School, work, prison. All of these places would be horrible places to be waiting on an Xbox 360. Or parole.

Each minute is turned into an hour as I wait for GameStop to dial my number. Xbox 360, I need your arms around me. I need to feel your touch. I need your understanding. I need your love so much. You tell me that you love me so. You tell me that you care. But when I need you baby, you’re never there.