Nintendo may be run by vampires, as conference attendees must turn off the lights on their cell phones.

According to, “everyone is a gamer.” I think Jack Thompson just had an aneurysm.

There is a lot of talk about reaching the untapped market of people who don’t play games. Older gamers. Female players. Prairie dogs.

More numbers. We know you have a good product, Nintendo. Show us your software, not your percentages. I’m not buying your stock.

“Nintendo is not a fad. Nintendo is the future.” Nintendo is not a dragon. Nintendo is a ham sandwich.

Reggie is showing us the Wii Zapper. It is a template for the Wii Remote and Wii Nunchuck. Arcade shooters finally come to the home console! Again.

Oh Reggie, don’t say “maximize penetration.”

Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games is, in fact, exactly what it sounds like. I think they’re both doping.

Smash Bros. Brawl will launch on December 3rd. There is some straight news for you.

Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass will be entirely touch on the DS. Color me interested!*

The Wii Remote looks to work fantastically with the first-person Metroid Prime 3. Not only will you aim with the remote, but you will activate options with gestures. Think Black & White, but not horribly disappointing in every way.

Check Mii Out will be a new channel where you can vote on your Wii Miis. America does love voting for things that aren’t presidents.

Nintendo claims to be serious about online play. Again. Mario Kart Wii is the proof in the pudding, apparently. You will be able to play Mario Kart Wii with the Wii Wheel. Or, as I will call it from now on, the Wiil.

Good, I needed another montage about how much people love Nintendo.

Saturo Iwata, Nintendo’s worldwide president, has taken the stage. Paradigm shift this. Cookbook on DS that.

Okay, okay. You want the Wii and DS to be for everybody! But what does that matter to me? I’m already a gamer. All of this means nothing to me aside finally getting my wife interested in something besides Viva Pinata.

I sure could go for another montage…hooray! They read my mind!

Brain Age 2 comes out August 20th. Super Mario Galaxy on November 12th.

High School Musical is coming out for the Wii and DS. So, you know, if you have brain damage, you’re good to go.

We’re in for a ton of different brain training games. Including My Life Coach. Hold on, no time to make a witty comment. There is another fan montage that needs watching.

WiiFit takes the tricking you into exercising of WiiSports and removes the facade of fun.

Shigeru Miyamoto came out to tell us we should be really interested in WiiFit. His sentiments are not matched by me or the crowd. Or the universe. The universe has no interest in this “big” announcement, Miyamoto.

The Wii Balanceboard controller is what makes WiiFit possible. That, and misplaced enthusiasm.

This wasn’t a very good conference. I am disappointed. Lots of telling me things I SHOULD be interested in but am NOT interested in.

Sorry, it wasn’t the end. There was one more lame montage. Now it’s over.

* interested is a reddish purple