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Posted on 12.06.05 by Maxim @ 7:00 am
Armed Police Batrider (hereafter referred to as “APB”, not to be confused with the arcade game APB- All Points Bulletin, which will be on Classic Tuesday soon) is another one of the Raiden clones that flooded the arcades. Gameplay is nearly identical to Raiden, in that you are constantly blowing up everything you see while simultaneously dodging ten zillion bullets. Since we got our hands on the Japanese version of APB, (Was there an American version? Comment below if you know.) the story remains somewhat of a mystery. What we do know is the following: There are 3 levels of difficulty in APB. On the easiest, it’s pretty easy. On medium, it’s medium. On hard, it’s clearly impossible. On hard, your shots do hardly anything, and everything is happening on screen at once. Everything. Bullets? Yes. Explosions? Yes. Dogs, cats, surgery, the Oscars, breakfast, Riverdance? Probably. So much is happening on screen at once that the game achieves a sort of quantum state of action. So much is happening at once, that you can’t observe it all at once. Therefore, you must assume that anything and everything is happening. Quite an achivement for an arcade game, if you ask me. P.S. Also, there doesn’t seem to be anything in this game about riding bats. Filed under: Classic and General and Maxim and Review Comments: None |
A new feature called “Classic Tuesday”! This week we have an old arcade game with the best title in the universe: Armed Police Batrider.
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Posted on 12.05.05 by Maxim @ 11:38 pm
Warhammer 40k: Dawn of War vs. Star Wars Republic Commando In Dawn of War, you are racing and racing to get this nasty artifact and destroy it, thus preventing the forces of chaos from ruling the universe. Once you destroy it, it releases the very demon you were trying to destroy. The demon taunts you, then floats away. This is the ending if the game. In Republic Commando, you and 3 of your squadmates run around shooting shit, throwing grenades at shit, and doing various other team-oriented shit. In the final level, you have to split up in order to complete your mission. You do your thing, and then your superiors tell you it’s time to get off this planet ASAP. Over your radio you hear one of your buddies is in trouble and can’t be extracted. You and your 2 other buds take off in your evac plane talking about how you can’t leave your friend behind. This is the ending of the game. Which wins? They both suck ass. Please feel free to add your own bad ending experiences in the comments below. Filed under: Maxim and PC and Rant and Xbox Comments: 6 Comments |
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Posted on 12.02.05 by Maxim @ 4:46 pm
Enter “The Matrix: Path of Neo” (not “Enter the Matrix”… don’t get all confused) I hate this game. I’ve seen reviews from respected establishments giving this game scores like 7 or 8 out of 10. This leads me to believe that either they are crazy, or I have no idea how to play it. It seems likely that I am missing some vital set of instructions, much like my first foray into the Final Fantasy world. Basically, the first time I played Final Fantasy, I did not understand the concept of “equipping” weapons. I bought them, they showed up in the inventory, I figured my guys would then use them. They didn’t. I was getting killed fighting the lowliest of imps. I thought the game sucked ass. Then I learned how to equip items, and the game got a whole lot better. Perhaps this same situation is repeating itself. Maybe I just don’t know how to play Path of Neo. Am I missing a crucial button combo? Some stick angle? Have I not equipped the short sword? Someone knows something I don’t. That, or everyone but me is crazy. Filed under: General and Maxim and Review and Xbox Comments: 1 Comment |
I love The Matrix. I love it so much. I love it like an abused spouse loves their abusive partner. I’ve allowed The Matrix to kick me in the balls on several occasions, and keep coming back for more.|
Posted on 11.17.05 by Maxim @ 4:54 pm
Playing God of War for the PS2 now. You will like this game if you like violence and boobs. It’s fun for other reasons, don’t get me wrong, but there is a definitely no lack of disembowelment and mammaries. Here is what you can expect from playing this game: 1. Running around Another thorough review from Way I Play! Filed under: Maxim and PS2 and Review Comments: None |
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Posted on 11.15.05 by Maxim @ 8:44 pm
I’ve played it. That’s right folks. I’ve actually played it. OH MY GOD HES ACTUALLY PLAYED IT! HES SO DREAMY! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Ok. Now that my bodyguard has restrained all of you and my clothes have been sufficiently torn at, I can tell you what it’s like. HES ACTUALLY GOING TO TELL US WHAT ITS LIKE TO PLAY XBOX 360!! YOU CANT GET ONE OF THOSE YET!!!! HES SOOOOO SEXY!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Hey! Someone’s going to get hurt here! Everyone just settle down… you’re causing people to get trampled! If you just calm down, I can tell you that the graphics are really really good and- THE GRAPHICS ARE REALLY REALLY GOOD!!! GET HIM! GET HIM AT ALL COSTS!! I HAVE TO TOUCH HIM!! I HAVE TO!!! GET OUT OF MY WAY!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Help! Get off me! Stop grabbing at me! Let me finish my thought about how the games look really really good, and that’s about it! It’s just an Xbox with better graphics! I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENS, I AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE MUST HAVE A PIECE OF HIM AS A SOUVENEIR!!! GIMME!!! GIMME!!! GIMMEE!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Filed under: Humor and Maxim and Preview and Xbox 360 Comments: 1 Comment |
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