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Posted on 08.09.05 by A 47 Danger @ 9:07 am
My foot has come down. Madden 06 will go unpurchased by me. No matter how many sky high hopes I have of working through years of a franchise, my hopes fall out of the sky like a duck with no wings and a belly full of gold. How the gold filled wingless duck got into the sky, we’ll never know. It makes no sense. Just like me purchasing a Madden game. Don’t get me wrong. Madden games are pretty fun. Lots of strategy. Quick action. They look great. They’re the same every year. Wait, what’s that? They are the same every year? Huh. I guess that’s sort of true. Some things are added every year, but it’s the same basic game over and over again. Maybe you’re just one of those people who buy the newest game just so you can listen to the newest EA Trax. I hope that’s a joke. I hope there are people out there that don’t do this. How many times can you enjoy American Idiot while picking a play. My faulting of the game has nothing to do with Madden himself. I love that crazy old guy. It would be nice if he went off topic like he does in his actual broadcasts. I remember an extended period of time that he talked about what a stoop was. A stoop. Guys were still playing football, but Madden was talking about hanging out on a stoop. It was great. Overall, the Madden games bore me. I can’t sit down every so often and play through an entire season. It doesn’t work that way for me. Especially when they try and sell me the same reheated crap every year. I’m sick of hamburgers, EA. Sell me a steak, and then we might be talking. Filed under: A 47 Danger and GameCube and PS2 and Rant and Xbox Comments: None |
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Posted on 07.27.05 by A 47 Danger @ 9:17 am
Screw you, Mario! You and your Thousand Year Door! This wonderful game with a great graphical style and unique gameplay can jump in a hand basket and take a trip directly to Hell! Where’s my oxygen? Okay, breath. Ahhhh. That’s better. I’m a little more focused now. Let me see. Oh yes. The first 24 hours of gameplay were great. Fun enemies and battles. Mario can turn into paper airplanes and boats and roll up in a tube. His partners all have special talents as well. This all makes for a fun puzzle solving element in the game. The missions were never too long and never too short. The enemies never too hard. The goofiness just right. Then Chapter 7 of the game shows up. Each “level” of the game is split into chapters, which works very nicely. The story element of the game binds the whole game together rather nicely. As I hinted, Chapter 7 is where all the trouble starts. The level starts out trying to get a cannon functional. That’s fine. Nothing wrong with that. Oh, but I have to find the people to operate it? How bad can that be? Really bad. I have to visit every single chapter I already beat, just to hear “Oh, yeah. They were here. But I think they left for X.” What’s that? My princess is in another castle, you jerk? We already went over this in 1985. Why are you making me run around? The game is already at 24 hours. You don’t need to lengthen it. I run around like the idiot I am, and finally get everyone together and continue on. The rest of the chapter is fine. I assumed it was just a little flaw. I was certainly in the clear now. I’m not the first person to ever be wrong about something. But I certainly won’t be the last. Everything goes swimmingly until the final boss. One grand point about this game is the save points right before the bosses. Being relatively simple bosses, there isn’t much of a need for the save points. But it does put your mind at ease. Final boss. I’m ready. Mushrooms in my pockets, and friends at my side, I make it through the bosses transformation into a bigger boss. Then she gets weakened by love or something. So I can continue pounding on the boss. Whoops, I died. Oh well. I’ll just go back to the save point. Oh yeah, there was a 4 minute cut scene before we get to fight. And I have to press buttons to get through the dialogue so I can’t do my grocery shopping or wash my car. I should beat them this time though. Oh yeah, there’s another 4 minute cut scene after the boss transforms into the bigger boss. Is it too early to start on my taxes for the year? Yeah, it’s only July. I guess I’ll wait through the cut scene. Huh, I died again. Time to gently set down the Wavebird controller. You were priced nicely, but I wouldn’t want to break you out of anger. It looks like you’re still fetching a nice resale value, Mario. I guess I won’t smash your tiny tiny disc against the wall. Welcome, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. Welcome to the list of games I will never finish. Are you comfy? Do you need a soda or something? You sure, you’re going to be here for a while. Okay. Shake hands with the Zelda games. You guys should get along fine. I’m going to go find a pimp to cut me, and then a seafood chef to squirt lemon juice on my wounds. That will be a little more comfortable than the pain this game has handed me. Filed under: A 47 Danger and GameCube and Review Comments: 2 Comments |
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Posted on 07.26.05 by ClackyJ @ 9:45 pm
The Humpty Dance You know, hearing all about this “Hot Coffee” business at first made me a little mad. Come on. There’s an mini-game that was never fully developed in the game that you can get to only through modifying the game, and it’s not even that racy? Who cares? You really want to go through with this, Mr. Washington DC? Then why stop there? If kids can modify their GTA to see some dry humping, then you’d better restrict the Sims, because one quick trip to the internet and one quick patch download, and my Sims will be walking their virtual dog through their virtual neighborhood in virtual nudity. And why stop there? You’d better slap that AO rating on www.google.com’s image search. Yeah, that’s a load of trouble right there. And unclothed mannequins at the local Gap? Watch out, Captain Morals. Of course, the worst of the bunch is the Land O’ Lakes butter packaging. You fold that right, and you’ve got yourself some serious nipple action. But then, I realized that perhaps I should be joining this good fight. I mean, obviously, I’ve been so corrupted by video games that I can no longer tell what’s moral and what’s not. Maybe all I needed was to listen, and I mean really listen, to what these crackpots were saying, and I would see the light. My angry reaction to their ignorance is clearly just a symptom of my being brainwashed by the gaming industry. So, I’m turning over a new leaf and will help clean the unethical world of the video game industry by calling for the banning of the filthiest game I have ever played. Luigi’s Mansion for the Game Cube.
So where does the degradation come in? You see, Luigi, like you and I, survives on gold coins and hearts. And, just like you and I know, these gold coins and hearts aren’t just sitting in the middle of the room in plain view. No, they’re tucked away in hiding spaces. Drawers. End tables. Cabinets. Lamps. You get the point. And how does Luigi get to the gold pieces and hearts? By HUMPING THE FURNITURE. Yup. Luigi walks up to a piece of furniture and, at the press of a button, he puts his two hands on said furniture and starts pumping. Then POOF! Gold pieces and hearts come flying out. Something had to push that stuff out, right? RIGHT? Disgusting. You can almost hear him saying “oh yeah… oh yeah!” with that cute little cartoon Italian accent. So… you want your immoral journey into furniture humping? You want to learn that there’s no problem that a little shakin’ and bakin’ with the writing desk won’t fix? Then run out and get Luigi’s Mansion. Quick. Before it’s only available at porn shops. Oh yeah. Filed under: ClackyJ and GameCube and Humor and Rant Comments: 1 Comment |
Now, from the looks of it, this doesn’t seem like a game that should offend the moral senses of our find nation. The aim of the game is to guide Nintendo sub-mascot and childhood idol Luigi through a haunted mansion on a mission to find his brother Mario. His tool of choice is a vacuum, which is a bit odd, but still, not too randy. The enemies are round ghosts, people-shaped ghosts, and assorted bugs. Nothing phallic. Nothing… vaginal? Sure. All of this is seemingly hunky-dory.|
Posted on 05.26.05 by sparklepony @ 4:21 pm
It has been a few months since I had finished Resident Evil 4. I am in the midst of replaying it and I have forgotten how much I loved the game. I knew I liked it, but the feelings are a bit more stronger than “like.” I luuurrrve it! It is hands down one of my favorite games ever. There is so much variety in the game play. Whether it be from the numerous weapons and ways to utilize them, or the many adversaries Mr. Kennedy (Leon Kennedy was also in RE2) encounters- which range from, vaguely European, dirty, zombie villagers, to the cave troll from LOTR (it looks like one), to the ‘regenerators’ super creepy bio-engineered/infected/ fleshy individuals that were the scariest part of the game. There are knife fights, boat fights, monk fights, monster fights, sniper fights. So much glorious fighting! I was totally unprepared for the emotional investment for this game -as any sort of relationship based on love would have. It was a long game, extremely stressful, pretty to look at and consistently entertaining. It was paced wonderfully, I was never bored, or stuck and was up too late many a night because I couldn’t shut off the game. I was actually sad when I finished it, but then I found out there are 2 extra games that were unlocked after the game end. So much to love! If you are still unconvinced, let me just say two words. JET SKI. Just like a summer blockbuster movie! Filed under: GameCube and Review and sparklepony Comments: None |
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