Jaws Unleashed is coming out in August. I already want to throw up. Not simply out of disgust. Jaws Unleashed feels like bad Mexican food rotting in your gut. You know you’re going to feel a lot better if you get it out of there.

In Jaws Unleashed, you play the shark. Watch the trailer if you want. Read the description of game play. Gaze at the screenshots. Really, you only need my first sentence. You play the shark. That’s not what Jaws is about.

Jaws, in game form, should be a survival game. You shouldn’t play the shark! The shark should be an ominous presence in the game. Sure, the shark is a metaphor for something. I’m not a film student. I don’t laugh out loud in that pretentious way at Dr. Strangelove, so everyone in the revival theater knows that I got the oh so subtle joke. But, yes, Jaws would make for a fantastic survival game.

An early cut of Jaws that was screened got laughs from the audience. Studio executives were worried, but Spielberg wasn’t.. He knew what was wrong. There was too much shark. People weren’t scared. Spielberg chopped a lot of scenes containing the shark out, and the movie became scary.

Don’t lump Jaws 2 to 47 in with the first film. The first film was an actual movie, and not the worst movie pulp that sequels are made out of.

Jaws is a great survival film about fighting the unknown. About conquering against impossible odds. It would be a fantastic break from all the zombie survival games. It would be something completely different! Stuck on a boat. The unknown around every corner. Hell, it’d be revolutionary.

Instead, we get a game where a shark destroys things. Can’t you make a generic shark game where you destroy things? Why use Jaws? Why drag another movie into the dirt? Haven’t we, as gamers, been hurt enough by movie based video games?

Maybe if I drop my IQ a bit, I’ll be fine. I think I’ll buy a 12 pack of beer and a ball-peen hammer on the way home from work. Stay tuned for my next rant about how my socks itch and how Full House should still be on in prime time.